How to Set Boundaries Consciously with Help From Your Inner Selves

Have you ever considered why you set boundaries the way you do? Maybe you find it difficult to set boundaries at all, or maybe you can easily shut others out. It all depends on which parts of yourself (which inner selves) are driving your psychological car. If, for example, you have a soft and accommodating primary self, then your boundaries will look different to if you have a tougher or impersonal primary self. When you recognise and honour your primary self’s way of setting boundaries (your ‘default boundary style’), you can then develop more conscious choice with boundary-setting, choosing which inner resources you can draw on to help. (My latest ebook Conscious Boundaries, available at all ebook stores, is an extension of this post.)

A boundary is at its most basic a limit. There are all kinds of boundaries, including physical, emotional, mental, material and energetic boundaries.

Boundaries allow you to say ‘no’, ‘yes’ and ‘maybe’. They protect you; they keep you safe and feeling safe – whatever that may mean for you.

Good boundaries are like faithful bodyguards if you learn how to use them.

How each of us sets boundaries is largely determined by who our primary selves are and how they have learnt to protect our vulnerability.

How to Set Effective Boundaries

Next time you’re in a situation where you’d like to be able to set a boundary of some kind, stop and consider the underlying rule you have about that situation.

And then feel what the vulnerability around the rule is.

Examples of rules might be:

“It’s a family occasion so I must go.”
“It’s expected that I cook dinner in our household.”
“When my children interrupt me with a question or request I have to deal with it immediately.”
“Everyone at work goes to Friday night drinks.”
“That’s just the way it is in this business.”

Now for the vulnerability:

If I don’t go to the family occasion they’ll think I’m rejecting them and am being a bad daughter. Then they’ll reject me, and I need them to love and accept me.
If I don’t cook dinner my partner will be angry and then I’ll have caused disharmony in our relationship. I’ll feel like I’ve failed him/her and my role, and they might not approve of me any more.
If I tell my kids to wait, then I’m not attending to their needs and they might suffer somehow. It would mean I’m not a good mother or father and/or they won’t like me.
If I don’t go to drinks after work, I won’t be part of the team and will feel like I’m missing out. I might be excluded later.
If I tell my boss I can’t do another interstate assignment so soon I’ll lose my job, and that will lead to all kinds of problems.

Also consider the rules held by others involved and how their rules influence you.

The examples of vulnerabilities can go deeper. Your situation is unique and the rules and vulnerabilities will depend on all kinds of factors.

How to deal with vulnerability:

Acknowledge and accept you feel vulnerable or anxious. Don’t try to change your feelings or be brave or push the anxiety away.
Don’t rationalise the rule. But do listen to your inner dialogue about it as it will reveal more about the rules you’ve internalised and are unconsciously following.
Consider how you usually act in this situation. That is, how you’ve adapted to protect your vulnerability.
Now acknowledge and thank the part of you (your primary self) that’s been protecting you, no matter where you’ve been on the spectrum of ‘over-reacting’ to being ‘too accomodating’.

Accept that it’s perfectly fine if you continue to react in this situation as you always have. It’s good that you have a defence mechanism operating.

(Some situations involve serious consequences if we change our boundaries too suddenly. Or we may not be ready for change yet ourselves.)

BUT at the same time you can also intend to take care of the situation with more choice from now on.

This is where you enlist help from inner selves you may not have used for some time or that have been lying dormant within you.

Which Inner Selves will Help with Setting Boundaries?

Which selves to call on will depend on how you’ve been protecting yourself so far.

For example, if you’ve been soft and accommodating – the classic Pleaser – then you would benefit from integrating a more selfish self and/or your instinctual selves, even your princess energy.

But if your boundaries have been so firm that you’ve been pushing people away, then you could access inner selves that make more intimate contact, such as a nurturing self or a playful self.

It all depends on which selves are primary and disowned in you.

(Learn about how your personality is made up of primary and disowned selves and begin this life-changing self-awareness process.)

Over time, as your awareness grows, the space between your habitual reactions and new boundary-setting behaviours will grow.

How to Activate Your Energetic Boundaries

A significant part of boundary setting involves your energetic boundaries. The selves that constitute your personality each have a unique energy. There are warm selves and cool selves. Intimate selves and distant selves. And they all feel different.

When you become aware of your selves you also develop a sensitivity to the energy of those selves. Read a short intro to energy patterns here.

This exercise will help you activate your energetic boundaries:

Take a moment to centre yourself. Breathe into your abdomen slowly, hold, and breathe all the way out.
As you continue breathing slowly, move your attention down your body, all the way to the base of your spine.
Keep your attention there for a minute. Acknowledge the energy there. You can nod to it, or say something like ‘thank you’.
Then move your attention back up your body, pausing at your belly button, then stomach, to your heart area. Nod to the energy at each area.
Then move your attention further up, pausing at your throat, then eyes, to the top of your head.
Acknowledge all the energies that reside in your body and energy system, and affirm you are willing to take charge of how you use the energies to protect your vulnerability.
Allow yourself to be present with the energies of your energy system.

Boundaries with Family Members

I wanted to add that boundaries with family members can be the most difficult to feel comfortable with.

The complex emotions, the inner and outer rules about duty and obligation, and the love, make this an anxiety-inducing experience for many of us.

You’ve probably learnt to manage various family members in your own way, and over time this means you’ve probably either compromised yourself or hurt someone’s feelings.

I’ve found that as children and parents age, and your relationship with everyone continues to change, boundary-setting is an ongoing learning experience.

You’re lucky if this is easy and straightforward for you but for many of us it’s challenging.

Which Boundary-Type is You at Family Gatherings?

The Peace Maker

You go along and play along, suppressing your reactions and keeping your opinions to yourself to keep the peace.

If that’s the case, your primary self wants to make sure you fit in and not rock the boat. Avoiding conflict and not upsetting others is important to you.

The Drunk

You head straight for the alcohol and numb yourself. Maybe you’ll even forget about the whole event the following day?

This is another conflict-avoiding primary self but also a pain-avoiding one. This strategy can backfire if alcohol weakens your self-control and you say things you normally wouldn’t.

The Helper

You stay in the kitchen, offering to help, for far longer than required, so you can avoid socialising. You even offer to wash up immediately after the meal, something you’d put off doing at home.

This self is a helpful, caretaking self and it’s also wonderfully useful for avoidance. Very effective because you receive the added benefit of praise.

The Clinger

You find your favourite relative and stick to them.

This can work well but can leave you vulnerable if your ally moves away to talk to someone else or to visit the bathroom. And you can come across as being overly needy.

The Pet Sitter

You seek out the pet dog, cat or fish and hang with them, even offering to take the dog for a (long) walk.

Again, this is avoidance pure and simple. Unless you’re genuinely an animal-loving soul who finds it difficult to communicate with humans.

The Rebel

You don’t go.

Either you don’t care, or you don’t see why others would find it important you go, or there’s a great deal of pain. In any case, these are some powerful boundaries!

NEW RELEASE

Get an extended and in-depth version of this post in my new ebook Conscious Boundaries.

Available Now From: Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, Kobo and Gumroad

How to Set Boundaries More Consciously