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Have you ever known a parent who seemed kind, warm and charming in public, but behind closed doors became critical, emotionally distant or even explosive? Or maybe you notice this tendency in yourself: You put on your ‘public face’ when out in the world, but at home, things feel harder to manage. Maybe your patience runs out. Maybe you withdraw. Or maybe you occasionally explode. Read on to learn why this happens and what to do about it. 

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There was a conversation online recently about this exact dynamic — parents who present one version of themselves to the outside world, and a very different one to their children behind closed doors. People who experienced this as children described the deep confusion and emotional pain it caused.

The solution many offered was simple: encourage new parents to always be that consistent, kind, patient ‘good’ version of themselves with their kids, just as they are with others.

But there’s a danger in this well-meaning advice.

If parents strive to be only one idealised version of themselves — always calm, always kind, always composed — they may end up suppressing all the parts of themselves that don’t fit that image. And ironically, that’s the very thing that leads to the kind of unpredictable, reactive behaviour we’re trying to avoid.

Why Suppressing Selves Creates Emotional Pressure

According to the Voice Dialogue approach, we’re all made up of many different inner selves or personas. You might have a responsible self, a playful self, a critic, a worrier, a vulnerable inner child, a competitive self, a perfectionist, and many more.

Trouble begins when we believe we’re supposed to be just one of these selves — usually a ‘good’ one like the kind parent, the rational adult, or the community role model — and we suppress the rest.

Let’s say something happens and you feel angry, frustrated, or jealous. Your inner rule-maker quickly steps in and says, “Be nice. Be reasonable. Don’t overreact.” So you push those real feelings down.

But feelings don’t disappear. They distort. They build up. And eventually, they burst out — sometimes in daily irritations, sometimes in one explosive moment.

That’s how the Jekyll/Hyde parent is born: not from being a ‘bad’ person, but from the pressure to be only one part of themselves all the time.

There’s Another Way: Integrating All Your Selves

If you can acknowledge and work with all the different parts of you, you create space and inner balance.

Imagine yourself as a conductor of an orchestra. Each self has a voice and a message. When you listen to them, you get to choose how to respond — rather than react out of pent-up emotion.

For example, if you’re passed over for a promotion, you might feel rejection (from your inner child), anger (from your fairness-seeking self), suspicion (from your inner skeptic), and self-blame (from your inner critic). If you hear these parts out, you’re more likely to process the experience with clarity — rather than coming home and snapping at your partner or kids.

Your Children Need Your Wholeness — Not Perfection

What children need is not a perfect, consistent parent — but a whole one.

It’s healthy for children to see their parents feel anxious and then gather their courage, to be playful when it’s not necessary to be responsible, to show sadness when grieving instead of bottling it up, and even to admit to feelings like jealousy when someone else gets a break you wanted.

When children witness their parents navigate life with emotional honesty and self-awareness, they learn that they, too, can accept and manage the many parts of themselves.

And that helps break the cycle — so we’re not raising the next generation of Jekyll and Hyde parents.

7 Ways to Be a More Emotionally Authentic Parent

• Acknowledge your inner selves.
  Notice your inner critic, pleaser, rule-maker, anxious part, playful part, etc.

• Stop aiming for perfection.
  Your kids don’t need a flawless parent — they need a real one.

• Name your emotions out loud.
  “I’m feeling anxious right now, but I’m also calling on my brave self.”

• Let your child see different parts of you.
  Express sadness, joy, playfulness, and even jealousy in healthy ways.

• Pause before you react.
  Ask yourself: “Which part of me wants to speak right now?”

• Debrief messy moments.
  If you explode, be real afterward: “That wasn’t fair of me — I was overwhelmed. Let’s talk.”

• Model self-acceptance.
  When you own all your parts, your child learns to love all of theirs, too.

Journal Prompts to Help You Become More Conscious

• Which inner self dominates when I’m around my kids?

• What parts of myself do I hide to be the “good parent”?

• What do I wish I’d seen more of in my own parents?

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