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It’s freezing in South-Eastern Australia right now — and if you feel like an ice-covered frog trying to survive the night, you’re not alone. When the heating fails and the doona’s not enough, there’s only one thing left to do: initiate foot contact. But beware — even that can turn into a relationship bonding pattern.

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It’s so cold here — thanks to what’s been described as a “brutal polar blast” — that this frog is me right now.

The frog’s an Alaskan Wood Frog that mysteriously freezes to death in the cold — these frogs stop breathing and their heart stops beating until Springtime when they come back to life. 

Many Australians will be experiencing this because it’s impossible to heat up our houses due to them being built with no insulation (another mystery). 

But if you’re in a relationship, usually one of you will somehow have warm feet.

So what you can do to keep warm is try snuggling under the doona and reaching out with your feet to your partner’s.

If you’re the one with icy frog feet, unfortunately you’re in the vulnerable position – the one who has to beg.

If you’re the warm-footed one (rarely have I met partners with the same foot temperature) you’re in the power position. Your side of the bed is the hot property. So you decide whether the contact continues. 

It’s a bonding pattern!

Bonding patterns are the unconscious parent/child patterns all relationships are based on that allow us to care for one another (a positive bonding pattern) and express negative feelings (a negative bonding pattern).

If we map this one out, it looks something like this:

🧦🔥 Warm Foot: 

• First you’re in the Gloating Parent self, maybe even thinking to yourself “We don’t even need heating – it’s fine in here (as long as I stay in bed all Winter…)” 
• Then as Frog Foot’s foot approaches and makes contact, you recoil at the icy touch and become the Victim Child, shocked that Frog Foot would do this to you.
• You then shift into Withholding Parent, curling up to protect your warm feet from further cold-blooded attack.

🐸❄️ Frog Foot: 

• You begin in Needy (or Desperate) Child mode, tentatively reaching your toe towards the heat source. 
• After Warm Foot’s cold-hearted rejection, you shift into Huffy Parent. 
• But then you feel sorry for yourself, and slip into I-Can-Do-This-By-Myself Child, curling up on your affordable-property side of the bed, pretending the numb stumps at the end of your legs don’t bother you. 

Navigating Bonding Patterns

Where this scenario goes, will depend on your unique relationship. And how that looks will depend on which selves are primary and disowned in you and your partner.

If you’d like to learn more about relationship bonding patterns and how to navigate them in your relationship, this relationship article is a good place to start, as well as the ones on positive and negative bonding patterns I’ve already linked to above. 

And if your relationship’s in need of a gentle thaw, remember that many things can revive in the Springtime — not just the Alaskan Wood Frog. My ebook (FREE at most bookstores) The Simplest Relationship Remedy will help you warm things up!