Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 9

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the ninth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter covers various aspects of Voice Dialogue and gives you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

---------------------------------------------
TOPIC OF THE WEEK

POSITIVE BONDING PATTERNS

People often ask "What's wrong with a positive bonding pattern if it feels good?" There's nothing wrong with them except that if you're in one for a long time you miss out on much more than you gain.

For example, if you're in a relationship and your inner Mother is bonded to your partner's inner Son, and your partner's inner Father is bonded to your inner Daughter, then you would both feel safe and well cared for, as long as you both stayed in the bonding pattern.

So what do you lose out on? First of all, you lose out on the experiences of life all the other selves can bring to you. If you're always in the Nurturing Mother to your husband's Son and the Pleasing Daughter to his Father, you might rarely get to do anything for yourself such as do a course to further your education, travel to somewhere you would really like to go to but your partner isn't interested in, or simply go out to dinner with a friend and then to a movie.

Second, you miss out on being true to your feelings. If you react honestly to your partner you might have to react negatively at times. This would then break the 'contract' of the bonding pattern. You would also have the fear that if you did react honestly your partner might not accept you. So you let things go and allow them to build up inside.

Thirdly, you miss out on passion in your relationship. There isn't much passion between Nurturing Mothers and their Sons and Pleasing Daughters and their Fathers. In fact, one of the major problems people have in long-term relationships is the loss of sexuality in the relationship - the positive bonding pattern is the reason this happens. A fulfilling adult-to-adult love life requires that you both have access to other energies, much like you probably had when you first met and there were no strong bonding patterns formed yet.

Finally, the stronger the positive bonding pattern, the stronger the negative bonding pattern which might (and usually does) follow. The more identified you both are with your roles in the positive bonding pattern, the more you have buried over time. And this buried stuff, when it finally erupts, will be the ammunition and fuel for the world war 10 type negative bonding pattern discussed in the previous issue.

---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE

WAYS TO DEAL WITH POSITIVE BONDING PATTERNS

* Accept that they are inevitable and enjoy the good feelings which they bring. But when you realise you're in one, try to identify which primary selves you are both identified with and reclaim the opposite. And learn to recognise and take care of your own vulnerability.

How do you know you're in a positive bonding pattern? Generally, if you feel taken care of by your partner in some way and you take care of them in some way, and this is an ongoing situation, and it always feels really good, yet you feel or know there is something missing, you're in one.

Another way of telling is when you hold back reactions to 'keep the peace'.

* If you have a reaction to your partner, honour it. Express it or at least recognise it in yourself and feel okay about it. Accept that it is okay to not always have good feelings towards your partner. You each have many selves and not all of these will like everything about your partner - some won't be very impressed at all, some will be indifferent, some will absolutely adore your partner, and others won't even understand nor care for the whole concept of having a relationship.

* Try to nurture your partner from an Aware Ego. Bring in nurturing energy and then turn it up or down, or let it go when appropriate. With an Aware Ego you can still love and care for someone but you also have access to the other parts of you and what they have to offer.

---------------------------------------------
MEET THE SELF OF THE WEEK - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE REBEL

Current job: I have no 'proper' job. I'm part of a bikie gang.

Favourite holiday destination: I travel around a lot and stop wherever I feel like it.

What I'm reading: Not much really. I was told I should read a lot when I was a kid and at school. I just don't want to read.

Favourite movie or television show: Rebel without a cause

Favourite song: Anarchy in the UK, by The Sex Pistols

How would your friends describe you? As someone who's always done their own thing, as someone who's gone against everything I've ever been told I should do, as someone who's anti-authoritarian.

---------------------------------------------
ENERGY TIPS AND TRICKS

SELF-PROTECTION 3

This is particularly useful if you are going to be in a possibly dangerous situation such as walking alone at night.

Focus your attention on the lower part of your abdomen. Then see if you can feel in touch with the ground. Draw energy up your legs from the earth. Feel the strength of this energy and allow it to pool around your abdominal area. Allow your energy field to move outwards and feel the connection to your surroundings. This may feel as though you have a jungle-like energy, a bit like a wild cat who can sense everything around it.

Alternatively, if you are familiar and comfortable with your jungle energy, draw it in and allow it to be with you as you go out.

---------------------------------------------
BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 19 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

WEENING WITH HELP FROM BONDING PATTERN AWARENESS

I recently stopped breast feeding after deliberating for quite a while on how long to continue with it. It turned out that I wasn't entirely ready for this and Athena definitely was not. She was already down to one feed a day, just before bed, but this one feed still provided a lot of comfort for her.

For me, being able to nurture my child through breast feeding was one of the most amazing experiences I'd had and I felt a great sense of loss when it stopped.

The breast feeding relationship involves a strong positive bonding pattern. It is different for every mother, of course, but for me it was very strong. The Nurturing Mother in me found it to be the ultimate expression of nurturing. When the feeding stopped it was very difficult for me to separate from this mother and I stayed identified with her and felt her pain. I became very tempted to resume feeding and had to really call on other parts of myself, parts which had influenced my decision to stop breast feeding in the first place, to help out.

These included a more selfish, freedom-loving self who wanted to be able to go out somewhere at Athena's bedtime if an occasion arose, and my Body who was feeling the drain of producing milk and growing another baby (yes, I'm pregnant again!).

Eventually I developed a stronger Aware Ego in relation to this issue and am now enjoying having my body back to myself (at least with no external lives to support) and with being able to not necessarily be the one to go through the bedtime routine with Athena. I still feel the Nurturing Mother's feelings but she is largely consoled by the forthcoming arrival of baby number 2.

---------------------------------------------
NEXT ISSUE

TOPIC OF THE WEEK: Facilitation

---------------------------------------------
IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 979, Glebe NSW 2037, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.