Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 8

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Hello again! We're back from our holiday, with lungs full of fresh air, more colour on our skin, and as well-rested as we can be, chasing after a toddler who's discovered the joy of frolicking in the water at the beach.

Welcome to the eighth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter covers various aspects of Voice Dialogue and gives you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE WEEK

NEGATIVE BONDING PATTERNS

The type of bonding pattern that gives most people the incentive to work on their own bonding patterns is the negative one. Negative bonding patterns can range from the mildly irritating type, such as when you are identified with being the tidy person in the relationship and your partner is identified with being the untidy one, to the full-blown world war III type of pattern where you wish you had never met each other and you file for divorce or consider hiring a hit man to remove your partner from the gene pool.

In a negative bonding pattern each partner's primary self is in a state of judgment about the other person's primary self. The judgment occurs because there is some kind of vulnerability in both people which they are not attending to. This vulnerable feeling is uncomfortable to the primary self, who knows no other way of dealing with it but to push it away, into the unconscious, so that it (the primary self) can feel powerful again. The more identified with the primary self and its power the person becomes, the less the person can see from any other perspective.

It is like they are glued fast to one end of a see-saw and there is no way they can move towards the middle, to where they might have access to other selves and their viewpoints. At their end of the see-saw the world looks a certain way, and, to the self, it is the one and only RIGHT way.

The other person experiences the same righteousness but on the opposite end of the see-saw.

So how do you deal with this seemingly no-win situation? Read below for some suggestions.

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EXERCISE

DEALING WITH NEGATIVE BONDING PATTERNS

When you realise you're in a negative bonding pattern, and you still feel like you are right, or that your partner started it, don't start to tell them what you think about the bonding pattern. You will be coming from a parental voice or a Psychological Knower and your partner will sense this, as they will sense your judgment, and the negativity of the situation will intensify. Instead, say something like "I need some time to myself" and leave the situation.

Then either do some Voice Dialogue with someone to help you separate from the self you identify with in the bonding pattern or, if this isn't possible, you can write out on paper the thoughts and feelings of the primary self who feels the judgment towards your partner. As you write, you will become more aware of the part of you involved in the bonding pattern.

Ask this part of you what it is feeling vulnerable about and write this down. Either let yourself just write it all out if this comes easily, or try to sense into why it annoys you so much that your partner does whatever it is you're upset about.

Then see if you can access a part of you which can take care of your vulnerable feelings; see if you can soothe yourself.

Now consider your partner's point of view. What self are they identified with in this situation? Is this a self you have disowned? Have you ever had this self available to you? See if you can bring some of the energy this self has into yourself, or at least begin to respect it in your partner.

Now consider how you feel about the negative situation. Maybe your feelings about it are not as intense as before. Maybe you can even laugh at what happened and you have an understanding of both your roles in the bonding pattern. If not, don't worry. Bonding patterns can take a long time to work out. They really require that you begin an Aware Ego process to separate from your primary self and this can take time.

If you start an Aware Ego process in relationship to the bonding pattern you will no longer feel 'right' but instead have an acceptance of where both of you are coming from. You partner will automatically make a shift too. It will feel like the fuel has gone from the pattern and the issue will somehow resolve itself.

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MEET THE SELF OF THE WEEK - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL KNOWER

Current job: Therapist

Favourite holiday destination: Places where I can sit and watch people and try and work out things about them

What I'm reading: Anything about psychology and personal growth

Favourite movie or television show: The Analyst

Favourite song: 'Knowing Me, Knowing You' by ABBA

How do your friends describe you? Mmmm, difficult question. I can describe them if you like, or tell you why they would describe or perceive me in a certain way.

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ENERGY TIPS AND TRICKS

SELF-PROTECTION 2

To make it easy to move through a crowd, imagine an energy wedge at the front of you, with the tip pointing forward and the sides alongside both sides of you. Imagine this wedge is solid and strong and no-one can compromise it. If you do this you will find that people move out of your way as you walk forward, making it easier to get ahead through a crowd.

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 19 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

TELE TUBBIES

During our holiday we stayed at a place right on the beach at Byron Bay, Australia. My daughter Athena discovered that she loves the beach, and on waking every morning her first words after "up, up, Mama, Dada" were "beach, water, big water, nand (sand)".

As you can imagine, it was very difficult to get her to have breakfast and do all the usual morning things, with the beach as her main priority. Trying to feed a toddler as she's trying to climb the gate isn't the easiest of tasks. We tried distraction with toys and games and promises of "beach later, after breakfast, after nappy change.." We tried appealing to different selves in Athena, but to no avail.

The only thing that worked were the words "Tele tubbies". I swear these words have magic powers. Tele Tubbies is a television show for children which features four creatures, the tele tubbies, who speak like pre-verbal babies and do exciting things like make tubby custard and tubby toast. Their names are Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Lala and Po. I'm not sure what it is about this show but it is the only thing that can get Athena's attention if she's determined to do something. We have a video tape of a few episodes and if I put it on, Athena will just sit there for half an hour mesmerised. She compliantly opens her mouth if I try to feed her and will let me change her out of her pyjamas into some day clothes. Just the words 'tele tubbies' can make her stop and listen to me no matter where we are, and no matter what we are doing.

Much easier than using an Aware Ego!

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NEXT ISSUE

TOPIC OF THE WEEK: Positive bonding patterns

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 979, Glebe NSW 2037, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.