Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 7

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the seventh edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter will cover various aspects of Voice Dialogue and give you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

---------------------------------------------
TOPIC OF THE WEEK

BONDING PATTERNS

Bonding patterns are psychological blueprints for how we relate to one another. They are based on the initial parent/child bonding we all experienced as infants. There are both positive and negative bonding patterns. Positive ones are when the feeling between the two people is good and negative ones are when the feelings are bad. However, this does not mean that positive bonding patterns are necessarily 'good'.

All bonding patterns are based on their being disowned selves in both parties and the disowning of vulnerability. These two factors give the bonding pattern fuel and keep it strong and tight. It's a bit like both people are standing on one leg only and have the other person there to balance them so they don't fall over. This can feel safe but it is dependent on both people staying there to balance each other. If one goes away, both fall - and they literally fall into a negative bonding pattern. They then blame and accuse each other and angrily hobble around until they reunite in the positive bonding pattern with each other or, in extreme cases, with someone else. Each person's primary self forms a stable half of the pattern, and each person buries their vulnerability, handing the responsibility for it over to the other person.

Bonding patterns are a wonderful opportunity to discover and reclaim your disowned selves and to take responsibility for your vulnerability.

---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE

In last weeks issue I asked you to think about how you and your partner bond in parent/child ways. Pick one of the examples you thought of for this exercise. Take an example when the feelings between you are positive, such as when one of you makes sure the other is eating well and the other one feels well cared for.

If, for instance, you are the one who is preparing meals for your partner, think about or write down how you feel about doing this. Do you feel responsible for your partner's wellbeing? Or do you feel very nurturing in taking care of their nutritional needs, as if they are lovable but nutritionally ignorant child?

If you are the one being taken care of, how do you feel? Maybe you feel safe, knowing your partner is looking after you. Or maybe you expect them to take this kind of care of you, handing them this responsibility in exchange for a way in which you are responsible for them, eg financially.

In the example you have chosen, think about which self you are identified with and which self your partner is identified with. Is your partner's primary self your disowned self?

Think also about how your partner is responsible for your vulnerability in this situation. In the example above, the 'feeder's' vulnerability might be that they would not be needed by the partner if they didn't take on their role. Or maybe that if the partner was equally responsible for the family's diet then maybe the partner would realise that they were not indispensable and might therefore stop loving them. The 'feedee's' vulnerability might be fear that if they took time out to take care of feeding the family they would have to work less at their job and then maybe they wouldn't be as respected by peers and/or by their partner.

You see, both are identified with their primary self, which is who they feel most comfortable as. And the primary self tries to be good at being itself so that the person will not feel anxiety or fear. If any anxiety creeps in, the natural response is to go more deeply into the primary self. And this means to move further from the disowned self: the self that the partner plays out.

With an Aware Ego however, you can begin to take responsibility for your own vulnerability, thereby reducing the anxiety of your primary self, and reclaim the gifts your disowned self can bring you.

---------------------------------------------
MEET THE SELF OF THE WEEK - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE PLAYFUL CHILD

What do you do? Play and have fun.

Favourite holiday destination: I can have fun anywhere.

What I'm reading: Most books can be played with; I put them on my head and pretend they're hats.

Favourite Sunday breakfast: Pancakes with lots of maple syrup. I swish the pancake around in the maple syrup and make it go round and round as fast as I can.

Favourite movie or television show: I like cartoons.

Favourite song: I like 'Old MacDonald Had a Farm'. I pretend I'm the animals and make the noises they make.

How do your friends describe you? I don't know - they just play with me.

---------------------------------------------
ENERGY TIPS AND TRICKS

SELF-PROTECTION

There are a few ways to protect yourself from unwanted energy when you go out. One way is to imagine you are surrounded by a protective field of light, a bit like the energy egg a few issues back. Before leaving your home, take a moment to imagine this light around you. Define its qualities as you wish, such as it doesn't allow any negative or aggressive energy in, it keeps your personal space clear, it nourishes you, it clears space for you to move forward in if you have to walk in a crowd.

---------------------------------------------
BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 18 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

BABY BONDING PATTERNS

Even though I'm mostly in the mother role with Athena, there are times when she takes the parental role and I the child one. One instance when this happens is after we've been out for the day and when we get home I lie on the floor in the living room and have a rest. Athena clambers all over me trying to engage me in play but when she realises I'm tired and just want to lie down for a while, she gives me a 'biiig hug' and then pats my head. This makes me feel nurtured (the Nurtured Child) while she is being the Nurturing Mother with me.

Is there anything wrong with this? Of course not! It is through bonding patterns that we give and receive nurturing to one another. And it is good for little children to learn how to nurture - if they don't practice on adults they do so with their toys anyway. It is important, however, in my opinion, that children get to be 'the child' just about all the time with their parents and caregivers. They need to know that their 'Mother' and 'Father' (the mother and father selves in their parents or caregivers) are there and are available when they need them. What parents can do, however, is channel the parental selves and other selves through an Aware Ego so that they actually have some choice in their lives.

---------------------------------------------
NEXT ISSUE

More on bonding patterns

Dealing with negative bonding patterns

---------------------------------------------
IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.