Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 6

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the sixth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter will cover various aspects of Voice Dialogue and give you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE WEEK

PRIMARY SELVES AND DISOWNING - FINAL

In the last two issues I talked a lot about disowned selves and the different levels of disowning. First I covered how a primary self of a person disowns its opposite, yet for another primary self of the same person that opposite is not disowned, allowing it to be expressed at times. Then I covered how on another, deeper level of disowning most members of a culture or society disown certain selves or energies.

In this issue I'll cover the disowning process of an individual person as a whole. Here's a brief definition of this level of disowning: Disowned selves are those parts of the psyche that a person does not identify with at all. They are opposite in nature to a person's primary self system, which includes all the primary selves a person identifies with, whether there be one, two or more.

The primary self system, as a whole, is a person's identity. It can be called the 'operating ego'. A person's operating ego has a set of values, likes and dislikes. Anything that is judged by the operating ego or overvalued by it is a disowned self.

Different individuals within a culture or society will have different primary self systems, and therefore different identities, even though there will be some selves that most people within that society will identify with and other selves that will be almost universally disowned.

Examples:

If a person's operating ego is constituted of the Responsible self, the Pleaser, the Pusher, a serious Worker, a Fun-loving Sociable self that has regular dinner parties, and an Entertainer who makes sure the dinner parties are fun and interesting, that person's disowned selves might include the Beach Bum, the Shy Child, the 'I don't care what others think' self.

Notice that within this person's primary self system are quite opposite selves: the Serious Worker is quite opposite to the Fun-loving Sociable self. Yet they both are part of the primary self system of the person so neither are disowned selves of the person as a whole.

In another person these two selves might not be just opposites within the person's primary self system, but one might be part of the person's disowned self system. Such a person might have as primary selves the Serious Worker, the Responsible self and the Pusher, while the Fun-loving self is completely disowned.

Such a person would either judge other people who love to have fun, or they might be envious of them, or a mixture of both. They might feel they can never have fun because there's always so much work to do and life is full of too many responsibilities.

In summary, primary selves behave differently in different people. Some people have many primary selves, some of them opposites to each other. Such a person can behave in quite different ways, depending on which primary self they are identified with in a given moment.

Other people have only one or two primary selves which they are identified with all the time. For such a person the opposites to those primary selves would be disowned selves.

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The question "Why are some people actually aware that they express what should be disowned selves on a regular basis, yet others aren't?" can be answered as follows: This is because of the different types of primary self structure and the different levels of disowning, as discussed above and in the last two issues. There are also different levels of awareness operating in different people: some people are not very aware at all of their behaviours while others have a very strong awareness operating.

And sometimes, deeply disowned selves do break through. Most people who are psychologically healthy or 'normal' (take healthy and normal to cover huge ground) know when a disowned self has been 'out' because the disowned self usually comes out in unusual circumstances. For example, if a very serious and proper woman went to a party and had more to drink than she was used to, she might behave quite wildly - telling dirty jokes and laughing at them herself, singing loudly, even dancing on tables. The alcohol would have loosened the hold of her proper primary self and the wild disowned self was then able to express itself. The next morning this woman would remember what happened - her primary self would be horrified and ashamed about her behaviour and her Critic would be attacking her about it. Her primary self would then say something like "You're never drinking again".

Most people would have experienced a disowned self breaking through at one time or another. Many people even deliberately use alcohol and other drugs to 'let go' of a primary self with a very strong hold so that they can have access to other selves, for example, having a drink after work to be able to relax or having a drink at a party to feel more comfortable talking to new people.

Please note, there are cases when disowned selves break through and the person concerned has no awareness of this or has awareness of it but feels they have no control over it. In such a case I would strongly recommend seeking help from a professional therapist.

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EXERCISE

Do the same as last week (next time you're out with a friend, see if you can pick which self they are identified with), and then try to match that self's energy with your own. Note if this is easy for you to do or difficult. If you can do it, does your friend respond to you any differently? They may start to open up more with you as they can sense a similar and therefore empathetic energy in you. Or, you matching their energy may cause them to go to an opposite energy.

For example, if you are out at lunch and if your friend usually takes control of ordering, when you match this controlling energy, they may suddenly relax and leave it all up to you. Or they might noticeably enjoy your newfound involvement with the menu and ordering, and passionately discuss it with you. Or, they may become even more adamant about their primary ordering role.

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MEET THE SELF OF THE WEEK - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE LAZY SELF

Current job: I don't have one.

Favourite holiday destination: I'm always on holiday; I just lie around at home.

What I'm reading: I've had the same book open for years - it shades my stomach from the sun when I lie in my hammock. I can't recall what it's called.

Favourite Sunday breakfast: Whatever there is, or whatever someone brings me.

Favourite movie or television show: I don't really get out to the movies. With TV I just watch whatever's on; it's too much effort to change the channel.

Favourite song: Whatever's on the radio.

How would your friends describe you? As pretty laid back, I guess. Although I haven't bothered to contact any of them for ages.

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RELATIONSHIPS

BONDING PATTERNS

If you're in a relationship, think about how you bond with your partner in parent/child ways. If you're a woman, do you ever mother your partner either in a positive or negative way. For example, do you make sure your partner eats well? Do you comfort him when he's upset? Are you angry at him when he doesn't clean up after himself in the kitchen or when he comes home late from work? When you mother him in a nurturing way, does he respond like a son would? When you reproach him, does he become like a guilty or rebellious child?

If you're a man, are you ever like a good father to your partner? Do you take care of her as though you would your daughter? Does she respond like a daughter, either like a 'good' daughter or a rebellious one? Do you ever 'punish' her by becoming like a withdrawn father and see her change into a needy daughter?

Do you ever feel like a guilty child when you've done something you think your partner would not like? Does your partner ever reprimand you as though you were a child and they are your parent?

Consider if any of this applies to your own relationship. Then next week I'll be covering how patterns of relating, as in the above examples, work.

Note: I've used the terms he and she, however, the above questions apply to gay couples also.

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 18 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

RESPONDING TO ENERGETIC CHANGES

When I need to do something that requires taking my attention away from Athena, such as prepare a meal, she's quite happy to play on her own if I let go of my Nurturing Mother self a little and bring in a more impersonal energy such as my Cook self who enjoys cooking and really gets involved with the creative aspects of it.

By turning down the intensity of the Nurturing Mother but still having her there making energetic contact with Athena, gives Athena a sense of security. And by feeling entitled to bring in another energy, which I enjoy having around, seems to command an acceptance about it from Athena.

However, if I stay fully in the Mother and say "No Athena, Mummy can't play with you right now", Athena just becomes more insistent that I play with her and starts to have a tantrum if I turn away and start cooking. In this state I feel bad about not giving her my full attention. I actually become the Guilty Mother and this she can sense quite readily.

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NEXT ISSUE

TOPIC OF THE WEEK: Bonding Patterns

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.