Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 5

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the fifth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter will cover various aspects of Voice Dialogue and give you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE WEEK

PRIMARY SELVES - CONTINUED

Last week I started answering the questions: "Why is it that when some people describe themselves in a particular way, eg as being a giving person (their primary self is a giving self), you find that often they are in fact the opposite?" And "why are some people actually aware that they express what should be disowned selves on a regular basis yet others aren't?"

The answer has to do with the fact that there are different levels of disowning the opposites to primary selves. Last week I talked about how some opposite selves are not disowned for the person as a whole, but only when the more primary self of the pair of opposites is in charge.

The levels of disowning depend on the cultural and family background of the person. In some families, for example, the rules of appropriate behaviour are enforced very strongly and there are very serious consequences for breaking the rules. If you grew up in such a family, and you are still close to your family, you probably only express the selves that are acceptable to your family (at least in their presence).

Yet in other families, the rules aren't as rigid and so a larger variety of selves can be expressed safely. In such a situation you will still have primary selves but if there aren't any serious consequences of expressing their opposites, it is easier for the opposites to be expressed, as in last week's example ( http://www.voicedialogue.com/issue4.htm ).

On yet a deeper level of disowning are those selves that a culture or society as a whole disowns (even the more accepting families disown these). They include whatever selves the culture disapproves of strongly, eg in most developed, democratic western countries the Totalitarian Dictator is a disowned self. The other selves at this level of disowning are the instinctual energies. Most 'civilised' cultures disown instinct on a very deep level. Instinctual energies are those parts of us that are uncivilised such as jungle or animal energies, sexuality (which is often part of the former), natural aggression (again related to the animal energies).

For family and societal systems to work it is necessary for these energies to be disowned and for the more civilised selves to become primary. However, for the health of the individual and society, it is equally important that in adulthood these selves are reclaimed and honoured by an Aware Ego. If they aren't, then they do break through eventually, both in individuals and in social groups. And when they do break through from deep disowning and dishonouring, they often do so in a destructive way - both to the individuals concerned and to other people. The primary self then has 'proof' why the energy concerned should remain disowned.

To be continued next week.

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MEET THE SELF OF THE WEEK - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE PLEASER

Current job: Personal assistant

Favourite holiday destination: My partner loves Byron Bay in Australia and I love going there too.

What I'm reading: My partner likes me to be informed about xyz so I'm reading a book about that.

Favourite Sunday breakfast: My beloved loves breakfast in bed so I get up and make their favourite breakfast. I really enjoy the look of delight on their face when I bring it in to the room.

How is your relationship? Really good. We never have arguments - I don't like to rock the boat.

Favourite movie or television show: I Dream of Jeannie - I think it's so sweet how Jeannie tries to make her Master (Major Nelson) so happy all the time.

How do your friends describe you? They say I'm really nice and pleasant to have around, but that I never say what I want.

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EXERCISE

Next time you're out with a friend, see if you can pick what self they are identified with (is a primary self for them). Feel their energy; is it warm and personal or cooler and impersonal? Is their energy focused in one part of their body such as their head or abdomen? What kind of language do they use? Do they talk much or are they quiet?

Does their energy noticeably change while you are together? Is there more than one primary self present? For example, during the conversation are they in the same self when you talk about work, their new car, their new relationship, their ageing cat?

You don't have to tell your friend what you are doing, unless of course they know about Voice Dialogue and would be interested in doing this as an exercise with you. If so, then take turns allowing each other to work out who each other's primary selves are.

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RELATIONSHIPS

MEET YOUR SELVES THROUGH RELATIONSHIP

Relationships, both personal and general, provide a wonderful opportunity to gain more awareness about your own selves, both primary and disowned.

All you have to do is look at the people you come into contact with and consider what you like and dislike about them. Those you like and get on with and share interests with (usually your friends!) probably have similar primary selves to you.

People you admire excessively, however, probably have as one of their primary selves one of your disowned selves. For example, if you admire artistic people and think you are not artistic, then the Artist is a disowned self in you.

Then there are people you judge, or aspects of partners and friends which you judge, that represent disowned selves in you. For example, if you judge someone who is very flirtatious, you are probably disowning your Flirt!

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 18 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

GETTING OUT OF TROUBLE

The following is more an example of how Athena uses her selves to get what she wants from me.

At the moment Athena loves drawing. But paper isn't the only thing she sees as an appropriate drawing surface. The walls are also flat and white, and are at a more interesting angle; and I'm sure it's fascinating to see how crayons work on the sofa.

I know that Athena understands the word "No" as she uses it herself in the right context. But when she hears it from me it is ignored. As a result, parts of our walls and sofa are multicoloured. When I discover her making new markings and try to reprimand her, she eases her way really close to me, puts her arms around my legs, slowly tilts her head to one side, looks up and smiles an incredibly charming smile at me. I am still practising maintaining my sternness in this situation, but so far have failed - Aware Ego, where are you?!

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NEXT ISSUE

RELATIONSHIPS: Bonding patterns

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.