Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 4

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the fourth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter will cover various aspects of Voice Dialogue and give you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE WEEK

PRIMARY SELVES

Your primary self is the self or group of selves that you identify with, that you call 'me'. Most people have a number of primary selves but unless you've done some Voice Dialogue, you probably experience your primary selves as one homogeneous entity.

There's a lot to say about primary selves but for now I'll focus on one aspect.

This aspect of primary selves is concerned with the following questions, which I have been asked many times: "Why is it that when some people describe themselves in a particular way, eg as being a giving person (their primary self is a giving self), you find that often they are in fact the opposite?" And "why are some people actually aware that they express what should be disowned selves on a regular basis?"

How can this be if the primary self is who a person is identified with and that primary self is meant to have a hold on a person's psyche?

There are a few reasons for this and they have to do with the fact that there are different levels of disowning the opposites to primary selves. Some opposite selves are not disowned for the person as a whole, but only when the more primary self of the pair of opposites is in charge.

For as long as you are identified with a primary self, you will not express its disowned self. But if another primary self takes over, and remember, most of us have a few, then there is an opportunity for the disowned self of the original primary self to express itself. This taking over by another primary self can happen either when a person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or just in different situations in a normal day.

For example, if your primary self is giving in nature, you will be giving most of the time. Let's say this giving self is predominant when you are with your family and friends. But when you go to work, even though this giving self is there, other selves, the rational self and the hard worker, become the dominant ones. So there you are at work being rational and hard-working and a colleague asks a favour of you. You look up at them and quickly calculate how much time you have left on your project and say "no", getting back to work. Your colleague leaves, and you suddenly feel terrible about what you've done. Your giving self has now taken over again.

Being non-giving is only the disowned self of the giving self. So when the rational and hard-working selves take over, being non-giving is not disowned for them. They don't even think in those terms. You are therefore able to be non-giving in such a situation.

Read next week's issue for the next reason.

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EXERCISE

BECOMING AWARE OF EXPRESSING OPPOSITE SELVES

Consider which primary self tends to be dominant in you. Write down who this self is. Are you like this self in most situations? Or are there some situations when this particular primary self isn't dominant? Write down these situations. In these situations, do you ever express behaviours or have attitudes which are opposite to those of your dominant primary self? Write these down. Now consider them from your dominant primary self's point of view. Write down the thoughts that come to you.

There may be judgment from your primary self or even denial. This is okay. Primary selves generally do not like their opposites to be expressed and will judge them; that is why they disown them when they are in charge (keep in mind that there was good reason for the disowning in the first place and appreciate your primary self for this).

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MEET THE SELF OF THE WEEK - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE RESPONSIBLE PARENT

Current job: I'm a doctor in general practice. I take care of my patients very well and make sure I keep up to date with medical practices so I can do the best for my patients.

Favourite holiday destination: Anywhere really, as long as I'm contactable and can get back home quickly if I'm needed.

What I'm reading: I mostly read books with titles such as "How to be a good parent, doctor, football team coach, etc."

Favourite Sunday breakfast: I prepare every breakfast for my family, making sure their nutritional needs are met, but I also make the food taste good - that way the children are more likely to eat it.

Are you in a relationship? Yes. I'm married and have three children.

What makes you happy? When I know I've done my best for my family, friends and patients and they are all doing well.

Favourite movie or television show: The Brady Bunch.

How do your friends describe you? They say I'm very responsible, of course, and that they can trust me with important issues.

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RELATIONSHIPS

HUGGING EXERCISE

This exercise is based on the 'Hugging till relaxed' exercise from a great book on relationships titled 'Passionate Marriage' by Dr David Schnarch. ( http://www.passionatemarriage.com )

It involves using hugging as a way to comfort your own vulnerability or anxiety (to self-soothe) until you reach a state where you both are so relaxed with yourselves that you actually connect with each other, through the hug, on a much deeper level.

Start by hugging each other but both of you support yourselves rather than lean on each other. If you find yourself leaning or being leant on, re-adjust to support yourself or gently push your partner back on their own feet, and continue. If your partner pushes you slightly away, indicating you might be leaning on them, note how you feel. Try to stay with the hug and comfort any feelings of vulnerability you might be having. Even though your tendency might be to comfort your partner or to want to be comforted through the hug, try to comfort yourself. Keep hugging until you are both relaxed.

This might sound simple enough but can be quite difficult in practice. Give it a few goes and see what results you get. Each hug should take quite a few minutes, at least.

By focusing on yourself and your own feelings when hugging, and soothing your own vulnerability, you become less anxious about what your partner is doing and feeling and you no longer take their actions personally - even when they let go. This then enables you to truly give to your partner from a place of inner strength and peace, leading to a far more rewarding connection.

When most couples hug they literally lean on each other, or one partner leans on the other for support and the other supports. One is wanting the hug to continue while the other feels it is time to let go. Few hugs leave both partners with a deep sense of connection and peace with each other and with themselves. And according to research by Dr Schnarch, the average hug lasts less than four seconds!

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 17 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

SEPARATING ENERGETICALLY FOR EASIER SLEEP

Teaching a baby to go to sleep on its own, without the help of rocking, singing, breastfeeding or other external aid, is one of the most difficult times for many parents. It's as though getting to sleep on their own is the last thing babies want to do and they can cry and resist it for hours. But even after Athena stopped carrying on like this at sleep times and realised that going to sleep isn't quite so bad, how I handle her at sleep times does affect how willing she is to do it.

Before going to sleep, I read her a book, she has a feed and then I put her down in her cot. We also cuddle a lot and say goodnight to her toys. The whole routine involves us being very close, our energies very meshed with each others - a positive mother/daughter bonding pattern (more on bonding patterns in later issues). So when we separate as I put her down to sleep and leave the room, it can feel like we're being torn apart - no wonder she cries if this happens too abruptly.

To make it a more even transition from being close to being apart, I have to consciously withdraw my energy field from hers in a gradual way until I feel we are both energetically independent again. I do feel great resistance doing this from the Nurturing Mother part of me who loves being so close to Athena. But if I allow myself to do it, I free Athena up so she can feel more comfortable being in her cot alone. I have found this works so well that now she likes going to sleep. She lets me put her down and then asks for the covers to be put over her. When I leave the room she even blows me kisses and doesn't cry at all.

You can use this technique when leaving anyone you have spent much time with to make it easier for both of you. I first learnt about it from Hal and Sidra Stone at the end of the week-long training I did with them. I have used it since in many situations and have found it very useful.

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NEXT ISSUE

TOPIC OF THE WEEK: Primary selves continued
RELATIONSHIPS: How your selves are revealed in relationships

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.