Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 29 (issue 28 referred people to our new pages on the various types of selves)

------ DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

WELCOME to the twenty-ninth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue, a newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life.

Meet Astra and Mark at the MIND BODY SPIRIT FESTIVAL in Sydney from 20-23 November. It's on at the Sydney Convention and Exhibition Centre at Darling Harbour. We'll be at stand N18, titled VoiceDialogue.com, and would love to sign your copy of Astra's book 'The Perfect Relationship'. This practical and easy-to-read book is highly recommended by Drs Hal and Sidra Stone, Michael Rowland, Paul and Robyn Gale-Baker of the Australian Institute for Relational Training, WellBeing Magazine, the Sunday Telegraph and many more.

Please feel welcome to forward this newsletter to a friend!

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE MONTH

THE INNER PATRIARCH

This certainly sounds like a very serious title, and the part of the human personality it refers to is quite a serious self.

The Inner Patriarch is the part of us all that represents the rules and values of the long-standing patriarchal system we, and most people in our world, live in.

You might argue that our culture has changed over the last few decades and many people are allowing themselves more flexibility in their choices than a patriarchal system would allow. Most women now are able to find fulfillment in work and creative pursuits as well as motherhood and relationships, and most men have more choice about the kinds of activities they are able to participate in as well.

But consider this: although we have so many more choices now, many of us live with feelings of internal guilt, confusion, self-criticism and judgment of others as we go about our lives. Much of this negativity comes from our internal Inner Patriarch. So even though we have changed so much on the outside, this inner voice still echoes the values of the past. Just as with any inner voice, or inner self, it is very valuable to make the effort to become aware of this part of your psyche so you can deal with it consciously and are no longer the victim to its judgments about you and others. For as long as you remain unaware of any part of your personality, it continues to affect your feelings, perceptions and decisions you make.

For example, if you are a successful and powerful business woman, who does not live a traditionally feminine role, you might sometimes feel judgmental of women whose only work is mothering, or at least you do not respect them as much as women who are in the workforce. You might also criticize yourself if you find that you are sometimes attracted to more feminine pursuits or modes of expression. If this describes you then this would indicate that you have identified with the values of your Inner Patriarch, which are basically traditional male values. Each time a more feminine part of your personality emerges, your Inner Patriarch disapproves and so you stop that part from having expression. Or you express it but then feel that it isn't as important as your 'serious' work.

Another example is if you juggle work and family. This should be a perfect situation as it allows women to express many aspects of themselves, both the nurturing motherly aspects and the business and creative aspects, just as men have been able to do for some time. But our Inner Patriarch is the reason that so many women feel guilty when they leave their children in someone else's care. Inside us he is saying 'if you were a proper woman you would stay home and care for your children full time'. But the contradiction is that if you did do that, he wouldn't respect you because his underlying belief is that mothering is not as valuable as other work. So the Inner Patriarch actually respects you if you are in the workforce as you are doing 'masculine' work, but at the same time he believes that because you are a woman you shouldn't really be there. Damned if you do; damned if you don't.

The final example I will discuss is if you are a full-time mother and you judge women who work full-time, or even part-time, outside the home. The Inner Patriarch in this case is the voice you hear praising you for being a 'real' woman and staying home and judging those women who do not. The problem with this situation is that although the Inner Patriarch is happy that you are at home with the children, he does not place much value on what you do, just as in the previous example. He believes mothering is natural for women and is not real work, more like an easy-going holiday. He will respect you only when you go back to 'work' once your children are at school. And all mothers know that mothering is the furthest thing from a holiday you could imagine and is a learnt profession, mostly through trial and error, not natural (how many women have you heard of who knew how to breast feed without being taught by the midwives attending to them after their birth?).

Both women and men have this patriarchal aspect of the human psyche however it seems to cause most difficulty for women. After all, it is supportive of most men because it values traditionally male qualities which many men identify with to some extent.

It is both eye-opening and empowering for women to become aware of this aspect of their nature as it is usually quite unconscious. All we are aware of are the negative feelings about the choices we make or the choices other women make.

It is also an important self for men to become aware of because it influences men's perception of women and of themselves and it dramatically affects their self-expression, their relationships, the policies they make in government, the legislation they pass, and the culture they create in the work environment. So it is certainly not a self that I would ignore if I was a man and I wanted a world to live in that valued all aspects of my nature and those of my partner and children.

The Inner Patriarch is of particular concern in the current cultural climate (in Australia at least), where there is a focus by politicians on returning to 'traditional values', which has resulted in tax incentives for families where the woman does not work outside the home, tax penalties for working mothers, in rates of pay being reduced in professions which are dominated by women such as teaching, nursing and child care, and fathers who have previously abused and/or neglected their children are now legally given equal access rights to those same children without any supervision. At the same time, funding for abused women's and children's shelters has been reduced, and women who have been financially and emotionally responsible for their children are now having their rights to those children taken away if a previously absent father suddenly requests equal access. The concerns of women and children in all the above cases are largely being ignored, and women (or their Inner Patriarchs) are allowing these things to happen. Basically there is a large underlying current of patriarchal judgment hanging around right now.

(If you are reacting to what you have just read, consider who in you is reacting. Pay attention to how you react too as you read the following paragraphs.)

You can see this also when young women say 'I don't believe in feminism'. What does that mean? All that feminism is is a movement which worked for feminine values to be valued equally to masculine values and to open up more choices for women in how they express themselves and lead their lives. So why has it become such a dirty word? It is the patriarchal voice that does not want traditionally feminine qualities to be valued as much as masculine qualities. It is the patriarch who does not want women to be as equally valued as men and to have equal freedoms. It is the patriarch who does not like the word 'feminism'.

So when a woman says she doesn't identify with feminism it is her Inner Patriarch who feels this. I'm sure if you questioned her further you would find she likes that she can freely go out to pubs, cafes and the theatre, that she can vote, that she can wear what she likes, that she can go to University and study whatever she likes, that she can work in whatever profession she chooses and can take on managerial roles and be paid a lot of money, that she can basically have the freedoms that women today take for granted, and that feminists of past generations have worked hard for.

Most men too enjoy that there are women at University and College, in social situations, and in the workplace. They probably also appreciate the income their partner brings in if she works and that she can communicate intelligently with them, largely as a result of being educated. And because of the striving for equal valuing of feminine qualities men have been freed to a large extent to express their own feminine nature so that they too can enjoy nurturing their children, relating intimately with others, honoring their emotions, and enjoying their sensuality.

By learning about your unconscious patriarchal rules and unhooking from them, you can save yourself much confusion and negative feelings about yourself and others. And you can be in a position to make conscious choices about your life that consider not only the patriarchal values that are still so ingrained in us at a deep level but also more feminine-friendly values that support the feminine aspects of our nature.

One thing to realise about the Inner Patriarch is that although his rules and judgments are restrictive, deep down his motivation is good. He truly believes that women are weaker than men and therefore need men to protect them. He is afraid of women's sexuality and sensuality and of how that affects men. So he tries to keep women protected and behaving in a 'proper' way so that they will not be hurt. He believes that by keeping women in the home and away from the harshness of the business world they will be safe.

But what he does not realise is that by allowing women to be in touch with their feminine and masculine power and to participate in the world equally, the delights of the more feminine aspects of human nature are available for us all to enjoy and make the world a far more harmonious and balanced place.

When you first discover the patriarch within you, it might seem as if he (yes, he is a male aspect of your personality) is an enemy, but once you understand his concerns and can separate from them, then he can become a supportive and caring force that you call on when you choose rather than having him rule you from the shadows.

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REVIEWS ABOUT ASTRA NIEDRA'S BOOK 'THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP':

"Simple and insightful, The Perfect Relationship offers empowering advice..." WELLBEING MAGAZINE

"... a wonderfully simple, clear and practical book on relationship that will be of great help to anyone who reads it ... Astra has an ability to work with very profound ideas and translate them into language that makes them available to people with little psychological experience."
HAL STONE, PHD, AND SIDRA STONE, PHD

"... It is filled with powerful, yet easy to apply methods that can really improve any type of relationship. I recommend this book wholeheartedly.." MICHAEL DOMEYKO ROWLAND

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 4 1/2 year old and 2 1/2 year old daughters to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

In her book, Sidra Stone says the Inner Patriarch is passed on to children through their mother - so I have been attentive to this process to see how it happens. I am aware that one thing my Inner Patriarch does is expect more maturity from my girls about politeness and self-care issues than he does of their male friends. I can hear him saying things like 'They are boys, they can't help being messy with their toys and their food, but little girls should put their toys away when they are finished playing with them and they should eat tidily at the table.'

And although he is very proud of Athena's and Tinkerbell's achievements and abilities, if there is a little boy playing with them, he thinks it is more important to praise the boy more than my girls. So when Athena plays with one of her male friends and they are building towers with blocks, and I can see Athena building an equally good tower to the boy's (or better!), I can feel within myself a push to praise his tower more, as though it isn't as important for her to be praised as much as him. But when she's on her own or with female friends, then I feel like complimenting her with equal enthusiasm.

I would describe myself as being very supportive and encouraging my daughters in their achievements yet this Inner Patriarch has views that differ from my own.
What I do when I feel his presence in relationship to my daughters is listen into what his concerns are, to what his anxieties are. I can then consider these more consciously and decide how I will act and/or feel.

Regarding the block towers, my decision has been to praise my girls as vocally and openly as their male friend. Yet when I do this I can feel, and have to live with, my Inner Patriarch inside me being concerned that I'm encouraging my girls to stand out more than the boy and, funnily enough, he is worried that the boy might not feel valued enough if he receives only equal praise to the girls, and not more, for doing something traditionally masculine. There's more food for thought!

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COMING UP IN FUTURE ISSUES

Attractions to particular material things and what they mean - eg that fabulous outfit I just have to have!
Relationships and how having children affects them
Fantasies

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000-2004 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.