Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 24

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

WELCOME to the twenty-fourth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue, a newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE MONTH
THE PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
Introduction from The Perfect Relationship

A 'perfect relationship' to many people means one that is mostly happy, fun-filled and exciting, with an ongoing and intense sexual attraction to one another, and with some not-very-serious arguments thrown in from time to time which are fairly easily solvable. The expectation is that each person will remain pretty much the same as they were when they met.

Many relationships start out that way but then things change. As routines become established and partners get to know each other better, all the characteristics of the 'perfect relationship' mentioned above diminish. Then the relationship either ends or one or both partners have an affair or the partners stay together but keep looking out for something better. The 'perfect relationship' has come to an end.

Other people do not even expect their relationship to approach perfection in the above sense, expecting instead that relationships are difficult and maybe even that the partners won't like each other so much after a while. But they stay in the relationship because they agreed to and neither person is prepared for the major life change involved when leaving a long-term relationship. There isn't any expectation of a good relationship in this case, so there isn't really much disappointment either - at least not on the surface.

And for others a 'perfect relationship' is keeping their relationship happy on the surface, where neither partner expresses any negativity (and there always is negativity if you are human), living a 'pleasant' life with each other, with neither rocking the boat. The problem here is that the negativity is buried, and negativity takes a lot of energy to hold down, so the relationship becomes polite and nice and without the energy for passion or really getting to know each other.

WHAT I MEAN BY A 'PERFECT RELATIONSHIP'

Your relationship is an opportunity for you and your partner to not only enjoy being together but for you to learn from each other about those aspects of being human you are unfamiliar with. Your relationship can teach you how to become whole; to identify and embrace qualities which balance you and enable you to express more of yourself. Your partner will undoubtedly have some of these qualities - and you will have the qualities that they need - and by being in relationship with each other you will bring them to each other's awareness.

So there will be times when you are joyously happy together as you enjoy your connection with each other and those things you both have in common. However, there will also be times when you are not so happy together and these are the opportunities for you to discover where your hidden judgments lie and to then use those judgments to grow as a person. These not-so-happy times do not mean your relationship is flawed. All relationships go through ups and downs. It is how you use the ups and downs that counts.

Your relationship can become a teacher for your own and your partner's personal growth, and in doing so can heal any emotional, psychological or spiritual wounds you both have. During this kind of relationship, the love between you continues to grow and becomes deeper and more fulfilling over time.

As you discover and integrate those aspects of human nature that you need in order to become whole, both of you grow as people. This means that you both change. And while you are changing, there will be unsettled periods of adjustment where you are both working out how and when to use your newfound qualities.

You will still be 'you' and you will utilise your particular strengths in the relationship which most probably complement your partner's strengths. However, in this kind of relationship you will no longer be able to blindly give up responsibility for those aspects of life you are not strong in and your partner is good at.

Many couples do this in relationship but it leads to one of you playing the child role and the other the parent role in those areas. As I will explain in this book, these child/parent roles every couple falls into are one of the main causes of relationship problems, including the almost universal problem of decreasing passion as time goes on. For this reason alone, these patterns of relating are vitally important to understand and deal with.

A common example of one person giving up responsibility for one aspect of the relationship and the other person taking the responsibility is in regard to finances. Usually when one person takes care of the finances the other person has no involvement in them. The one taking care of the finances acts like a parent and makes all the financial decisions, while the other partner plays the role of a child and allows their partner to take care of this aspect of their life. Then if something goes wrong with the finances, either a furious argument follows, with much blaming and defensiveness, or enormous resentment is felt by one person, and guilt by the other.

The solution is not for both of you to do everything equally, but for both of you to take responsibility equally. This means deciding together who will be responsible for the finances, for instance, and then regularly discussing the finances so that the person not involved with them is aware of what decisions are being made.

This way, you are both responsible for all aspects of your lives and you are aware of how everything is going, even though you may not be actively involved in everything. Then there is no blaming if something does not turn out as planned because both of you were responsible for the decisions made.

So by 'perfect relationship' I mean a relationship that is alive and growing, one that evolves, and one where the two partners continue to grow and evolve. This kind of relationship is a living organism rather than an end you reach once you have found someone you love.

This kind of perfection is much like a child's perfection - even though a child makes mistakes, has tantrums and goes through periods when you feel you don't know how you will manage with him or her, you know there is nothing wrong with your child; he or she is perfect. And, just like a child, a relationship can be perfect, as long as the partners are learning and growing and there is love between them.

I believe that most relationships can last a lot longer than they do. If people knew about and acted on the ten principles I will share with you in the following pages, many more couples would enjoy long-term, even life-long, fulfilling relationships, which would not only remain as passionate as they began but could become even more so as your relationship grows. The amount of pain currently suffered from relationship breakdown would decline, both for those in the relationship and for all the others affected - children, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends - and consequently the world would be a much more joyful and stable place.

I use the ten steps in this book in my own relationship of 15 years. I love my husband more deeply than I ever have and I know and understand myself and him so much more than I could ever have imagined 15 years ago. It has been a truly amazing journey. However, it has not been an easy one - we have had our serious downs as well as ups. And without the information in this book, our relationship would have ended by now.

This information will not make your relationship easy, but it will enable you to understand what is happening in your relationship, and will give you the tools to make it 'perfect'.

Discover the 10 steps in The Perfect Relationship, available in book format or as an e-book.

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EXERCISE
RELATIONSHIP AWARENESS

This exercise is about evaluating where you are in your relationship and working out which parts of you are in the relationship most. If you are single, answer the questions about your last relationship.

Consider the following questions and write down your answers if you wish:

How has your relationship changed since you first got together?
How did you feel about your partner when you first met?
How do you feel about them predominantly now?
What do you do most when you spend time together?
Has your sex life changed from when you first got together? How?
When you think about your partner, what are your thoughts? If you think differently at different times, make a note of that.
What do you like about your partner?
What do you not like about your partner?

Now look at your answers and see if you can work out who in you would think and/or feel that way?
Which parts of you are involved in your relationship?
Which parts have been involved in the past but are involved less often now?
Which parts are left out completely?
Which parts of your personality would you like to involve in your relationship?

Now use the awareness of this information about your relationship as you relate with your partner. This awareness will help you see how you have become identified with particular selves over time and how these selves relate with the selves in your partner. This will help in making choices about how you want to be rather than feeling compelled to act in a particular way.

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MEET THE SELF OF THE MOMENT - A BRIEF INTERVIEW

THE CARETAKER

Current job: Mother and part-time helper at school canteen

Favourite holiday destination: Visiting family and friends

Favourite movie and/or television show: Touched by an Angel

What kind of car do you drive? If I could afford it I'd love to have a people-mover type of vehicle so I could take out people who can't get around themselves, but there are more important things to think about than what kind of car I'd like for myself.

Favourite book: Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love by Stephanie Dowrick

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my almost 4 year old and almost 2 year old daughters to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

HOW TO NOT GET UPSET WHEN YOUR CHILD SMEARS YOGHURT EVERYWHERE
Basically I use the theory underlying Voice Dialogue to understand who is there in my children when they are expressing themselves, and to see who is there in me when I am reacting to them. This helps to take the edge of conflicts when they arise and teaches me about what part of myself I have become overly identified with and therefore that I need to do some work!

If I am reacting to my kids making a mess as they eat, then I am identified with a part that likes cleanliness, tidiness, order and good manners. The more I identify with this part, the more irritated and upset I will become with the mess my kids make - and the more mess they will actually make!

I've experienced too often my anxiety rise, watching as Tinkerbell holds her spoon in one hand, the other hand in the bowl of yoghurt, squelching it between her fingers. As my reaction increases, her mess-producing ability is enhanced. The hand with the spoon rises up in the air and wipes dripping, smelly yoghurt over her hair. Then the Universe decides it would be educational for me if Tinkerbell were to develop an itch in her ear and then on her leg. So the hand that was squelching the yoghurt then scratches these itches. To add to my sense of exasperation, this type of thing happens to occur on days when I've already given the kids their bath.

What do I do? If I'm already caught up in my reaction all I can do is react. I might become aware of what's happening as I react and then I might see some humour in the situation and the intensity of my reaction decreases. I can then consider letting go a little of the anti-mess part of me and integrate some of the opposite - what my kids are expressing. I become more balanced this way and can deal with situations that arise with less stress.

I also lose my judgment of my children's behaviour. Instead of thinking how messy they are, I can see how Tinkerbell is enjoying the feel of the yoghurt in her hand and is learning about different sensations as she plays with it. I can see how she is enjoying the moment and going with the flow. This perception was not available to me while I was experiencing judgment of her behaviour which a part of me (who was completely 'me' at the time) perceived as 'bad'.

My judgment of her behaviour also affects her behaviour: In response to my judgment (even if I keep it quiet and act accepting) she is pushed further into the opposite of the self I am identified with and acts out of a sense of being propelled to act. She would also be feeling judgment towards me (her opposite in this scenario) and so we both continue to polarise each other, pushing each other further into our opposing selves.

The energy of judgment is there whether we act judgmentally or not. You have probably experienced the feeling when someone is judgmental of you and therefore self-righteous as well, yet they talk to you as though nothing is going on. You can feel the judgment pressing your buttons and pushing you into particular selves - which ones these are depends on your primary self system and how these selves have learnt to defend you.

If, however, I am in a more accepting state (not a self which is accepting as this will also get a reaction), if I have some separation from the self who feels the judgment (some Aware Ego), then Tinkerbell is free to act more naturally and find her own equilibrium.

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COMING UP IN FUTURE ISSUES
The Business selves
Connecting with others
Relationships and children

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000-2003 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.

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