Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 22

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

WELCOME to the twenty second edition of Daily Voice Dialogue - the final issue for 2002. We wish you all a peaceful and joyful Christmas and, and a New Year filled with the wonderful treasures available to you from your own psyche.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE MOMENT

MAKING DECISIONS

In Issue 20 I covered the topic of whether we have a 'true self'. I concluded that there is no one self which is truer than another, but that there is a part of us - our essence or psychological fingerprint - which does have a particular nature, but it is not a self, or personality structure. This essence permeates our selves and gives us a certain uniqueness.

So if there is no one part of the personality or one self which is you, how do you then make decisions about the various aspects of your life? How do you decide what career path to take? Whether to live in the city or country? Which car to buy? What to wear?

If you have no Aware Ego at all, then one of your primary or disowned selves will make your decisions for you. This is why when you make a decision it feels so right one moment, and then the next moment you're not so sure. When one self decides, it feels right for that self and, therefore, right for you, while you are identified with that self. But as soon as another primary self takes over (most of us have a number of primary selves), or even if you can just feel or hear another self within you somewhere, that decision no longer feels right, because the other self would have made a different decision. You then flip from one self to the other, and from one choice to the other, never knowing which choice is right for you.

If you have some Aware Ego, you can separate from your primary selves and stand between a pair of opposites when a decision has to be made. This gives you a sense of what each self would want to decide, yet allowing the space for an answer to come from somewhere else, from your Aware Ego and from the unconscious. Often when you allow this to happen, a quite unique solution occurs to you. It's not something your mind works out nor something an emotional self jumps towards. It's as though a connection between you, the unconscious and the external world is forged and you work together as one entity. If you allow this entity to just move to where it naturally gravitates to, you will get an answer which works. This answer may come to you on the mental level or it may involve you physically interacting with your environment - the physical world is part of consciousness and it is within it that we operate. Often when solutions occur, they involve other physical beings and material objects.

Following is an example of an everyday type of decision dealt with in this way: Mark and I were trying to decide where to go for dinner one night in the Blue Mountains just outside Sydney. We both felt like either Italian or Indian food, but couldn't decide which one. A part of us felt like Italian and another part felt like Indian. We decided to drive to a town which has an Italian and an Indian restaurant, both of which we had tried before and liked. At this point we were just flipping from one self to another. We went to the Indian restaurant first but it was full. I felt so disappointed because "I" had decided that I wanted Indian food. So then we went to the Italian restaurant. When we got there it was full too. Disappointment again.

We both stopped for a moment, centred ourselves, and then separated from our Italian food-loving selves and our Indian food-loving selves and just tried to let a solution come to us. Both of us got the feeling that we should head back to the town we were staying in. So we got into our car and drove back, prepared to get a take-away burger if we had to. As we drove down the street, we saw a sign for an Italian Pizza restaurant we hadn't seen before. And there was a parking spot right outside it. When we went in, they had one table left. The smells in the restaurant were delicious and it turned out to be one of the best pizzas and pasta we had ever eaten.

This illustrates that getting an answer can involve you taking action in the external world while paying attention to your inner world. I didn't get an answer communicated to me on a mental level. I had to take physical action to get the solution, without knowing before taking the action what the solution was. By separating from the two selves which were involved in the conflict, and creating an Aware Ego space, I allowed myself to be open to a solution which turned out to be very satisfying (and which neither self would have led me to).

With the bigger issues in your life, this process can be very helpful. If you automatically go along with the wishes of one part of you, you will have missed out on the input from the other selves. And you also miss out on the more interesting solutions that can occur from consciously 'not deciding' and allowing information to come to you through the space created by your Aware Ego.

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EXERCISE

NOT DECIDING

Next time you have to decide something quite simple, like where to eat out or what to wear, stop yourself from deciding, take a moment to centre yourself, and feel into two opposing options you have. Imagine first that you will choose one option. Imagine what you would do, how this would feel. Then imagine you would choose the other option and see what that feels like. Then see if you can let go of one option a little and bring in the other one some more. Then let go of that one and bring in the first one. Now let go of both, imagining that one is being pushed out to one side of your body and the other one to the other side. Try to remain in the middle of them. Just wait there for a few minutes and then see if you get a feeling or idea. If you want to, go along with what that might be.

The more often you try this type of process of sitting in between two opposites, the easier it will become to access creative solutions to your dilemmas. What you are doing is sitting in the Aware Ego between a pair of opposites, simulataneously honouring both sides yet not going with either. Of course you can choose to go with one side, but if you do so, honour the other side too, and then your choice won't result in you later feeling as though you should have gone with the other side and regretting your decision.

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 3 1/2 year old and 1 1/2 year old daughters to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

I've just returned from a stay in hospital with Tinkerbell, who had to undergo some surgery. She is recovering quickly and well and is running around as though nothing has happened.

The issue I'll discuss here is not Tinkerbell, but how this has affected her older sister, Athena. When other people find out that Tinkerbell has had an operation, and even before when people knew she was going to have an operation, many change how they relate to her. This doesn't seem to affect her in an obvious way, but it affects Athena noticeably. Athena notices that people always ask after Tinkerbell and that I then talk about how she is; Athena sees the look of concern on their faces and she experiences how much more attention Tinkerbell gets. Athena has started to ask if she can go to hospital and be sick too.

These responses from family members, friends and even complete strangers, makes me realise how much our broader environment influences us. Many of us, when we look at our own past to try to understand ourselves, tend to focus on how our parents treated us. But the influences are so great and many. Even one look or comment from a total stranger can affect a child's self perception and the development of their personality. And as a parent, because you can not be with your child all the time, and you can not control how other people relate to your children, you have little control over what is affecting them - even at ages so young as 3 and 1.

So with this 'wanting to be sick' situation with Athena, it didnt help her by me telling her that she shouldn't want to go to hospital, because the reality and truth of the matter is, if she did, she would get more attention - and she knows this. I've tried telling her it is not a fun thing to be sick but because Tinkerbell has recoverd so quickly and doesnt act sick, this is hard for Athena to believe. All she sees is that Tinkerbell gets extra attention from all the people around her, and new and fun experiences such as a hospital bed to sleep in (I certainly wouldn't find this particularly exciting but for some reason Athena does), and hospital playrooms full of toys, as well as visits from an assortment of fairies and clowns who entertain the children staying there.

I've tried to tell her that the only reason there are so many fun things in hospital is because the kids there arent able to get out and about and have fun at home so they need the extra fun in the hospital to make them feel better. But a 3 year old can't really understand what serious illness is and the sick kids in hospital mostly look quite happy. Athenas basic perception is that hospital is a fun place to go.

So, I have tried to make an effort to make Athena feel special for being who she is - for being healthy and well.

I've found that it has been important to include her in the whole medical thing so she feels she has been a part of it. And it has worked really well to bring her to the hospital every day to also enjoy the facilities there. I have had to honour the reality she perceives. It's a bit like talking to a self using Voice Dialogue - you have to understand and accept the truth of its reality so that you can genuinely communicate with it. And with Athena, part of this has meant allowing her to be included in all the 'fun'.

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FACILITATOR'S CORNER

Quick tip: If you are facilitating a self and you notice that you are running out of time for the session, don't keep that self there until the very end - even if you feel you are getting to something important. Instead, acknowledge the connection you have already made and let the self know you will meet with it again later. You really need time at the end of the session for the person you are facilitating to centre themselves, to discuss what happened during the session, and to leave in a stable state with their primary selves readily available. It is also a good idea to leave enough time for your client to practise bringing in and letting go the self/ves you have just facilitated.

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COMING UP IN FUTURE ISSUES

Connecting with others
The business selves
Aphrodite
Relationships and children

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000-2002 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 1266, Rozelle NSW 2039, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.