Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 14

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the fourteenth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter covers various aspects of Voice Dialogue and gives you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE WEEK

THE PERFECTIONIST

The Perfectionist is a self who is relied on in so many different situations, yet can cause so much grief as well. For instance, you would certainly want a person with a readily available Perfectionist to perform surgery on you if you needed it, or to build your house, or to service your car, or to have programmed the software you use on your computer.

However, if you are identified with the Perfectionist most of the time, you can almost drive yourself mad. Signs that your Perfectionist is active include not being able to finish something until it is perfect (which can mean never); feeling stressed when you are doing something (because you want to do it well yet the anxiety caused by the Perfectionist makes it difficult to focus and let your work just flow); taking a long time to perform routine tasks (again because they have to be done perfectly); constantly checking and re-checking your work for ways to make it better.

A strong Perfectionist would also be indicated in these examples:

* If you wear makeup and it takes you a long time to put your makeup on. You might even sometimes take your makeup off and start all over again, just to get it 'right'.

* When you start out to do a quick tidy-up of your home but end up doing a major Spring clean.

* When you set out to wash your car and you end up polishing it for hours, trying to get every inch just perfectly shiny and spot free.

The Perfectionist energy is an important part of our lives, but the best way to use it is to be aware of it and then make choices in how you will use it. After all, not everything has to be done perfectly, and it would make no difference to anyone if many things were not done perfectly. With conscious use of the Perfectionist, along with the conscious use of the Pusher, you can lead a life full of fulfilling achievement, without the anxiety caused by being identified with those two selves.

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EXERCISE

ENJOY MAKING MISTAKES

If the Perfectionist is a primary self of yours you will find that you avoid making mistakes, and if you do make a mistake, this causes you anxiety.

One way to balance the Perfectionist and enjoy making mistakes (ones that have no serious consequences) is to get in touch with a part of you who is a bit sloppy, a part who doesn't care much how things are done. You might even have an opposite to your Perfectionist who is an outright slob. All we need here is an energy you do use in your life at times, one who is more relaxed about things than your Perfectionist. To do this, you will first have to have some awareness that you have a Perfectionist as a primary self, and you will need to be willing to get in touch with an opposite.

Pick a simple activity that you do regularly, such as cleaning up after dinner.

Do this activity and deliberately do it imperfectly - yes, that's right, make a mistake. With cleaning up, for example, when you wipe down the kitchen bench top, leave some of the mess there. Leave some dirty dishes out - do not put them in the dishwasher or wash them up. Don't wipe up the water around the sink.

Now stand there and note how you feel. Do you feel compelled to clean up properly? If so, just feel what that feels like. Then pretend that you are a more sloppy person. Either base your characterisation on someone you know (maybe a member of your family?) or see if you can access the feeling within yourself.

Now look at the mess from this more relaxed perspective. You might say something to yourself like 'Ah, great, that's all done, let's sit down and watch TV', or 'Wow, you certainly have cleaned that up well, I wouldn't even have noticed that it needed cleaning in the first place', or 'That'll do, what's the point in making it spotless? It'll just get dirty again later'.

Now leave the kitchen and sit down in another room. If you live with others, have some fun with their reaction. If someone asks about why you haven't cleaned up as you normally do, tell them you've re-assessed your standards and you now think you've been too particular in the past. Their own Perfectionist might be activated in response to your sloppiness and they might even end up cleaning up after you!

If you live on your own, write down on paper how you feel from this place. What does this part of you value? How would it live life? Etc.

If you really feel you have to clean up the mess you've left, do so. But try to gain more awareness of how your Perfectionist operates by having gone through the above.

This exercise should help you to see that it isn't necessary to be perfect in everything you do. Having a more sloppy energy available can help to balance the Perfectionist. It's up to you, though, to decide how much of each energy you use.

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ENERGY TIPS AND TRICKS

If you're feeling stressed about getting something done well, and you feel like just throwing everything out the window - well - grab a handful of not-so-important papers, or whatever it is you're working with which is of little value, and throw them on the floor, kick them around with your feet, sit back, look at them and LEAVE THEM THERE. Enjoy it! This will snap you out of the perfectionistic energy, at least for a few minutes, and should make you feel a bit more relaxed.

Just don't throw around things of value which you cannot replace! You might feel good for a moment but then you (your inner Critic) would really punish yourself for it later.

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 21 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

I've got quite a strong Perfectionist who is particular about eating in a non-messy fashion. So you can imagine what my Perfectionist feels as it watches Athena during a meal. Toddlers aren't known for their tidy ways at most times, but the mess Athena makes while eating, if I'm not aware of my Perfectionist's presence, would impress any experienced child care worker accustomed to mess produced by many toddlers at once.

The more I try to get Athena to use a spoon properly, without spilling its contents, the less able she is even to direct it towards her face. The more I try to clean up mess as she goes, the more quickly it appears.

So when I notice that Athena is being particularly sloppy, I check in to see if my Perfectionist is present, and if it is, I let it go a bit. I bring in an energy more accepting of not having to eat in a particular way, and 'miraculously' Athena can suddenly find her mouth again.

This illustrates how a very common bonding pattern can develop between someone with a strong Perfectionist and another person less identified with perfectionistic energy.

Consider who in your own life you bond with in this Perfectionist/Slob bonding pattern. For more information on bonding patterns and how to deal with them see Issue 7.

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NEXT ISSUE

TOPIC OF THE WEEK: The Child Selves

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000-2001 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 979, Glebe NSW 2037. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.