Daily Voice Dialogue - Issue 13

----- DAILY VOICE DIALOGUE -----

a free weekly newsletter about using Voice Dialogue in your daily life

written by Astra Niedra, edited by Mark Belfanti

Welcome to the thirteenth edition of Daily Voice Dialogue. This newsletter covers various aspects of Voice Dialogue and gives you ways to use Voice Dialogue in your life on a day-to-day basis.

Best wishes,
Astra Niedra

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TOPIC OF THE WEEK

THE PUSHER

The Pusher is a self that many people have as a primary self. Its role is to keep you moving on to the next thing, whatever that thing may be for you. It works hand-in-hand with the Critic (see Issue 12). The Critic points out your shortcomings and the Pusher writes you a list of how you can overcome them.

If your Critic tells you you're a bit overweight, and you then decide you will lose weight, your Pusher will tell you to join a gym and attend daily/every second day/3 times a week, go for a daily walk, read up on health and nutrition, clean out all junk food from your kitchen and re-stock with less fattening food, etc.

If your Critic tells you you're not achieving much in life, and you decide to achieve more, your Pusher tells you to write some goals, attend seminars on success, read books on success, look up web sites on success, find a mentor, change direction and research what you'll do next, etc.

If your Critic tells you your house is a mess, your Pusher reminds you to do the vacuuming, tidy up, wash the curtains, sweep the courtyard, get rid of the things you no longer need, re-arrange rooms/furniture/or even move to more easy-to-clean dwellings, etc.

The Pusher is such a large part of most of us, that it is difficult to recognise it is there. It just feels 'natural', like 'who I am'. But every time you have a thought about something you should do, that is the Pusher at work. Even if you are resting, and you start to think of what to do after your rest, that's your Pusher. It might even make you jump up from the sofa and do something because it reminded you of the thing to do and you just automatically believe in the overriding importance of doing that thing.

If you are doing something your Pusher reminded you to do, it often distracts you from your task with reminders of other things you should do. People often get stressed when this happens as they start to worry that they don't have enough time to do everything that 'needs to be done'. You can then feel that it is so impossible to do all these things, that you freeze and don't get anything done. In some cases people who don't do much at all actually have very strong Pushers, yet on the outside it seems as though they are identified with a lazy energy.

The Pusher can also be responsible for some health problems such as migraines, heart conditions, neck and back problems. Just feel the changes in your body when your Pusher energy is present: think of the things you 'need' to do to bring in the Pusher. Then pay attention to your body. Does your breathing change? Is there any tightness anywhere? How do your shoulders feel? How does your stomach feel?

I know this sounds quite negative, but it is only so when you have no awareness of your Pusher and how it affects your life - just as all the selves can be negative if they take over your life and there is no Aware Ego to make real choices.

The positive aspects of the Pusher are that it is largely responsible for much of what does get done in our world. It helps people get up in the morning and get going. It is an energy that propels us forward, and if it was not available at all, not much would have been achieved by humankind.

The following exercise is about how to do Voice Dialogue by yourself. Use it to get in touch with your Pusher and gain some awareness of how it affects you.

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EXERCISE

HOW TO DO VOICE DIALOGUE BY YOURSELF

Get a notebook and pen, and find a comfortable place where you won't be disturbed for a couple of hours. As with doing Voice Dialogue with someone else, don't answer the phone, door etc, while doing this exercise. Make sure you have finished dialoguing before you leave the desk.

Start by deciding what energy you would like to meet. Let's take the Pusher as an example.

Basically, you will be facilitating yourself so you will take the role of the facilitator and the subject. You will be asking the Pusher questions, just as you would ask questions of someone else's Pusher. The difference is that you will write the questions down and answer them in writing too. You can do this exercise using your non-dominant writing hand to answer the questions but this is not necessary. Keep that technique if you want to dialogue with disowned selves - note, however, that you should always meet your primary selves first and get their permission before attempting to communicate with a disowned self.

Write something like: 'I'd like to speak with that part of Rupert (substitute your name) who always keeps him aware of the things he needs to do.'

You might answer: 'That's me.'

Continue with: 'So what have you got planned for Rupert this afternoon?'

Pusher: 'He has two meetings to attend, but he also has to dictate a report, check how the new merger is going, talk to his head accountant, work out next week's takeover plans, check that his assistant picked up the correct gift for his partner and meet his partner for their anniversary dinner. He should also go to the gym (his doctor recommended this) and have his hair cut. Then before going to sleep, he really needs to read up on the financial papers he only glanced at this morning.'

You: 'Wow, that sounds busy. Is every day like that?'

Pusher: 'Well, he is in a position of responsibility, and he chose that, and there are certain things you must do if you choose to lead such a life. But not only that, there's just so much that needs doing. He has a family, he's got his health to think about, he's in a new relationship he has to put time into.'

You: 'Do you ever let him rest? Just do nothing?'

Continue with whatever questions occur to you and just allow yourself to write an answer.

If nothing comes to you, ask another question, change tack. There might even be another self present who would like speak first. See if you can feel into who it is and dialogue with that self instead.

Ask the selves you dialogue with what their purpose is in your life, how long they have been around for, if there is anything they would like from you, what is important to them, and other such questions. Don't try to bargain with them or change them. Just let them express themselves.

When you feel you've finished, thank the self you spoke with and stop writing.

Take a few minutes to go over what was revealed. Note how you feel now. If you feel strongly that you need to express a different energy, do the same as above with that one.

Afterwards, just sit for a few moments and take in what happened. Take a few deep breaths, centre yourself in your body, and then in the room. And when you feel ready, get up and spend some time in your usual environment.

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ENERGY TIPS AND TRICKS

BALANCING YOUR PUSHER

When you realise you've got your Pusher operating strongly and you would like to turn down its power, but feel you can't, try the following: Sit or stand still (if you can!) and start to fantasize about just doing nothing. Maybe you're on a deserted island, lying under a palm tree, or maybe you're on the couch at home just staring out the window. Imagine how it would feel to be in that situation - feel your surroundings. If you're on the island, smell the sea air, feel the warmth of the sun on your skin and the contrasting coolness of the breeze. Wriggle your toes and feel the fine sand run through them. Take a deep breath and enjoy the feelings.

Then, as you start to feel the impulse to get going again, just remember to take some of those relaxed feelings with you. Hold a mental and/or feeling image of you in your 'do nothing surroundings'.

Your Pusher may still be the main driving force in your life (in which case it would be good to do some Voice Dialogue to separate from it), but you can make a start by trying to balance it using this exercise.

Please note that your Pusher might just add this exercise to its list of what you should do, making it just another thing that is stressing you out. If this happens, and you can't get into doing the exercise, just cross it off your list and focus on gaining some separation from your Pusher first.

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BABY DIALOGUE

Examples from my experiences with my 21 month old daughter to illustrate how I try(!) to use Voice Dialogue in my life.

HONOURING YOUR CHILD'S SELF-EXPRESSION

When comforting your child when it cries, it seems to be a strong impulse to try to get your child to stop crying. It's as though we want our children to feel better, and this means to stop the crying.

On another level, parents also are comforting themselves, because most people feel relieved when a child's crying stops. There could be many reasons for this, such as simply feeling irritated by the noise or having the crying trigger your own vulnerability. When the crying stops and your child is happy again, it seems as though all is well again - for all concerned.

When your child is upset, you can use a bit of Voice Dialogue, giving them the opportunity to fully express their feelings and feel okay about them.

For example, the other day, Athena's babysitter was filling up Athena's swimming pool with the garden hose, when she let go of the hose and it went flying. It squirted water all over the place and on Athena. Athena became very frightened and started crying. As I was comforting her I felt like my goal was to stop her being frightened so she would feel happy again. Now there is nothing wrong with this, but there is a slightly different approach, which I took. As I held Athena, I took the role of 'facilitator' and just spent time with her frightened self. I told her I understood that if felt frightened and that that was okay. I said I would have been frightened too by a flying hose spurting water everywhere. I got in touch with my own Frightened Child so I could empathise with Athena's. I let her cry for as long as she needed to. When she stopped crying she hugged me for quite some time. She then looked at the water everywhere and at the pool and said 'water, pool' and squirmed out of my arms to get into the pool. She looked very calm and centred, as though she had fully expressed something she needed to and could now enjoy something else.

She was even happy for me to leave her with the babysitter and go back upstairs to work on this newsletter. Usually she objects to my leaving her, until something else distracts her.

This did not involve formally doing Voice Dialogue but it did involve honouring and accepting a part of someone in much the same way as you would with Voice Dialogue. Athena often expresses herself in ways I (my primary self) finds annoying - such as when she has tantrums - but all the ways a child expresses itself are valid parts of human expression and need to be honoured. Obviously we still have to socialise our children, but you can approach this with an attitude of respect for and honouring of the whole spectrum of behaviours they will express.

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NEXT ISSUE

TOPIC OF THE WEEK: The Perfectionist

EXERCISE: Enjoy making mistakes

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IMPORTANT NOTE

This newsletter is not to be taken as psychological or medical advice. If you require such advice you should seek it from an appropriate health care professional. This newsletter is also not intended for you to use in making life-altering decisions without communication between you and the appropriate health care professional.

Copyright 2000-2001 - Astra Niedra. ISSN 1444-6022. PO Box 979, Glebe NSW 2037, Australia. No part of Daily Voice Dialogue may be reproduced, in any form, without the written permission of the author, Astra Niedra, except for forwarding an issue, in its entirety and complete with copyright information, to a friend.