A 'perfect relationship' to many people means one that is mostly happy, fun-filled and exciting, with an ongoing and intense sexual attraction to one another, and with some not-very-serious arguments thrown in from time to time which are fairly easily solvable. The expectation is that each person will remain pretty much the same as they were when they met.

Many relationships start out that way but then things change. As routines become established and partners get to know each other better, all the characteristics of the 'perfect relationship' mentioned above diminish. Then the relationship either ends or one or both partners have an affair or the partners stay together but keep looking out for something better. The perfect relationship has come to an end.

Other people do not even expect their relationship to approach perfection in the above sense, expecting instead that relationships are difficult and maybe even that the partners won't like each other so much after a while. But they stay in the relationship because they agreed to and neither person is prepared for the major life change involved when leaving a long-term relationship. There isn't any expectation of a good relationship in this case, so there isn't really much disappointment either - at least not on the surface.

And for others a 'perfect relationship' is keeping their relationship happy on the surface, where neither partner expresses any negativity (and there always is negativity if you are human), living a 'pleasant' life with each other, with neither rocking the boat. The problem here is that the negativity is buried, and negativity takes a lot of energy to hold down, so the relationship becomes polite and nice and without the energy for passion or really getting to know each other.

What I mean by a perfect relationship:

Your relationship is an opportunity for you and your partner to not only enjoy being together but for you to learn from each other about those aspects of being human you are unfamiliar with. Your relationship can teach you how to become whole; to identify and embrace qualities which balance you and enable you to express more of yourself. Your partner will undoubtedly have some of these qualities - and you will have the qualities that they need - and by being in relationship with each other you will bring them to each other's awareness.

So there will be times when you are joyously happy together as you enjoy your connection with each other and those things you both have in common. However, there will also be times when you are not so happy together and these are the opportunities for you to discover where your hidden judgments lie and to then use those judgments to grow as a person. These not-so-happy times do not mean your relationship is flawed. All relationships go through ups and downs. It is how you use the ups and downs that counts.

Your relationship can become a teacher for your own and your partner's personal growth, and in doing so can heal any emotional, psychological or spiritual wounds you both have. During this kind of relationship, the love between you continues to grow and becomes deeper and more fulfilling over time. And the attraction you have for each other increases.

As you discover and integrate those aspects of human nature that you need in order to become whole, both of you grow as people. This means that you both change. And while you are changing, there will be unsettled periods of adjustment where you are both working out how and when to use your newfound qualities.

You will still be 'you' and you will utilise your particular strengths in the relationship which most probably complement your partner's strengths. However, in this kind of relationship you will no longer be able to blindly give up responsibility for those aspects of life you are not strong in and your partner is good at.

Many couples do this in relationship but it leads to one of you playing the child role and the other the parent role in those areas. As I will explain in this book, these child/parent roles every couple falls into are one of the main causes of relationship problems, including the almost universal problem of decreasing passion as time goes on. For this reason alone, these patterns of relating are vitally important to understand and deal with.

A common example of one person giving up responsibility for one aspect of the relationship and the other person taking the responsibility is in regard to finances. Usually when one person takes care of the finances the other person has no involvement in them. The one taking care of the finances acts like a parent and makes all the financial decisions, while the other partner plays the role of a child and allows their partner to take care of this aspect of their life. Then if something goes wrong with the finances, either a furious argument follows, with much blaming and defensiveness, or enormous resentment is felt by one person, and guilt by the other.

The solution is not for both of you to do everything equally, but for both of you to take responsibility equally. This means deciding together who will be responsible for the finances, for instance, and then regularly discussing the finances so that the person not involved with them is aware of what decisions are being made.

This way, you are both responsible for all aspects of your lives and you are aware of how everything is going, even though you may not be actively involved in everything. Then there is no blaming if something does not turn out as planned because both of you were responsible for the decisions made.

So by 'perfect relationship' I mean a relationship that is alive and growing, one that evolves, and one where the two partners continue to grow and evolve. This kind of relationship is a living organism rather than an end you reach once you have found someone you love.

This kind of perfection is much like a child's perfection - even though a child makes mistakes, has tantrums and goes through periods when you feel you don't know how you will manage with him or her, you know there is nothing wrong with your child; he or she is perfect. And, just like a child, a relationship can be perfect, as long as the partners are learning and growing and there is love between them.

I believe that most relationships can last a lot longer than they do. If people knew about and acted on the ten principles I will share with you in the following pages, many more couples would enjoy long-term, even life-long, fulfilling relationships, which would not only remain as passionate as they began but could become even more so as your relationship grows. The amount of pain currently suffered from relationship breakdown would decline, both for those in the relationship and for all the others affected - children, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends - and consequently the world would be a much more joyful and stable place.

I use the ten steps in this book in my own relationship of 17 years. I love my husband more deeply than I ever have and I know and understand myself and him far more than I could ever have imagined 17 years ago. It has been a truly amazing journey. However, it has not been an easy one - we have had our downs as well as ups. And without the information in this book, our relationship would have ended by now.

This information will not make your relationship easy - there is no such thing as an easy relationship once it has passed the early stages, but it will enable you to understand what is happening in your relationship, and it will give you the tools to make it 'perfect'.

We all deserve to know how to do this!

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