Voice Dialogue with Astra Niedra

Making Relationships Work

(Published in WellBeing magazine.)
 

In the current world climate of intolerance, both between large groups such as countries and religions, and between smaller communities such as political parties, school communities and families, there is a need for us all to make a shift in how we perceive ourselves and others if we are truly serious about finding a way to live peacefully together.

The essence of all conflict is in the conflicting parties' total and immovable attachment to their own identity. We are all identified with a particular way of being - with a personality - along with its characteristics, rules and judgments. This applies on a personal level and on a group level. We label our identification as 'me' or 'us' and we firmly believe that the way we see things is the one and only correct way. If a person or group expresses a quality or value opposite to one we hold, we either judge them or over-value them if the quality they are expressing is something we wish we had ourselves.

What do I mean by stating that we need to make a shift in how we see ourselves? Aren't we just who we think we are? The answer is that we are far more than we think we are. It has been known for decades by many working in psychotherapy, psychiatry and some personal growth modalities that we all have many parts to our psyche and that each of these parts has a specific function. These parts have been called 'inner selves',  'selves', 'energies' or 'sub-personalities'. This idea of the human personality as being multi-faceted has been slowly seeping into mainstream consciousness - even in Sydney's major newspaper I often read references to inner selves, such as so-and-so unearthing his inner accountant in order to do the taxes or finding his inner artist at a workshop. For the reality is that the person you identify with is really a group of selves, which together form your sense of 'I', or your ego. Each self has developed in your particular family situation and culture and has as its primary function the protection of your vulnerability. And each self has particular characteristics, abilities and perceptions about the world, which stem partly from your childhood experiences and partly from the intrinsic nature of the particular energy or self. But in addition to the facets of your personality you identify with, there are an equal number you bury, or disown, sometimes referred to as your 'shadow'. These disowned selves stay below your conscious perception and are projected onto other people, groups and cultures.

For example, if you are identified with a giving and nurturing self, you will have disowned your selfish self. From the perspective of your giving self you will judge those around you who are unlike you, that is, selfish. Not only will you judge them, but you will find yourself always having to deal with selfish people because you will tend to be drawn into relationship with them. Maybe you are married to one, maybe one of your children is selfish, maybe your boss is selfish, maybe even your pet is. It is as if the universe brings into your life that which you have disowned, giving you an opportunity to become conscious of it and integrate that quality within yourself.

"No, no, no!" I hear you say, "I couldn't possibly be as selfish as my boss. He is horrible and mean and I simply don't want to be that way." But the fact is that we all have the essence of everything in our psyches already, and the longer and deeper we disown a quality, the more extreme it becomes. Most of us express our disowned selves from time-to-time anyway and when we do we turn our judgment inward as self-criticism. Even that critical voice is a self, one which so many people are victim of, as it punishes us when we digress from the rules of our primary self. And ironically, to not be selfish, or whatever is the quality you judge, you actually need to embrace that quality; to be truly giving you need to be in touch with selfishness. For no aspect of the psyche is wholly negative or positive. Generosity is only positive when you can set boundaries and take care of yourself too and also allow the person you are being generous towards to also be generous towards you. If you are always generous not only will you be taken advantage of by others but you will not allow others to give to you, thereby automatically forcing them to be the 'taker' in their relationship with you. Likewise, selfishness is negative when you are always concerned with your own desires and can never see what another person's needs are.

Once you understand that there is far more to your personality than you had suspected, and that each of us is identified with only a small part of ourselves, then you will understand the conflicts that arise in relationships. You will be able to see that those things you judge in your partner or friend are right there in your own psyche but that your primary self has disowned them. You will understand why one political party rubbishes the policies of another, why one religious group judges the practices of another or the absence of religious observances of those who reject spirituality, and why one country would start a war with another.

I believe that if we want a better world for us all to live in, individuals and communities will need to start to discover which parts of the human psyche they have become identified with, then understand how these parts operate and what they judge, and then work on embracing their opposites.

A crucial aspect in this type of self-examination is to learn to feel, and to consciously protect, ones own vulnerability rather than bury it and automatically jump into a defensive stance when vulnerable feelings are triggered. This is something we see time and time again in both small and large-scale conflicts. Vulnerable feelings are usually hidden by the primary self of a person or community because they make us feel uncomfortable and not powerful. But by failing to care for our uncomfortable feelings with conscious intention, we will always stay stuck in the primary self which developed to protect them, along with its fears and anxieties, its self-righteousness, and its limited potential to find solutions beyond its own capabilities and vision.

If our vulnerability is triggered and we have no conscious relationship with it, then we fall heavily into our powerful primary self and our judgments of 'the other' intensify. This is the opposite of what is required for conflicts to become resolved.

Voice Dialogue

There is a technique used in counselling and psychotherapy which enables you to create understanding of your primary self and why it has had such a strong hold, and also to move beyond it to embrace the rest of who you are. This technique is called Voice Dialogue. Voice Dialogue involves having your selves interviewed by a facilitator, which literally gives a voice to the parts of the psyche which normally would not be heard. The purpose of Voice Dialogue is to unhook from the selves you have become identified with so that you can begin a process which gives you space to hear and feel the selves which your dominant selves have buried. This enables you to experience the perspectives, needs and wants of many selves. The result is that you get a bigger picture of what is going on in a particular situation, both in your own life and in the broader community, which then gives you a more real freedom to make a choice, as you are taking in more than only the dominant perspectives.

A new state of consciousness

This process is a new point of reference in human consciousness: it involves not identifying with a self, or simply witnessing it from an awareness level of consciousness, but using the awareness aspect of consciousness together with the experience of a self (traditionally labelled the 'ego' if it is a self you identify with) to give you an Aware Ego. The Psychology of the Aware Ego is a theoretical framework developed by Drs Hal and Sidra Stone, two American psychotherapists who discovered this process in the context of their relationship - when trying to understand it and make it work for them.

When you start an Aware Ego process, you start to experience rather than merely understand rationally that all relationship issues are not black and white. You learn to embrace opposite parts of your personality and this gradually dissolves your judgment of others. For instance, if you consciously own your selfish self and your generous self, you now know what your selfish self feels and thinks and you accept it and use it in your life as you deem appropriate. When you are no longer solely identified with generosity, you can no longer judge selfishness in others because you now experience its perspective. You can bring in as much or as little of each self as you want to, so you can be giving towards others but still maintain your own boundaries and say 'no' when you choose to. You now also create more of a balance in your relationships with others - you don't automatically polarise others into the opposite of you. If both of you have access to both selves, neither of you will judge the other, but will understand and empathise with each other - exactly what the world needs now.

Stability

When you start an Aware Ego process you also create more stability in your psyche. Many people flip from one self to another or have a disowned self break out when they are stressed, tired or influenced by drugs or alcohol. For example, you might usually be very sensible but when you have a few drinks, a very different you might emerge - a flirtatious, outrageous self who dances on tables and takes risks. This disowned self, while it is in charge of you, can cause you to take actions you would normally never take. The consequences of disowned selves breaking out can cause havoc in your life. What normally happens is that after such a release, the following morning your primary self takes over again and your Inner Critic berates you for your 'inappropriate' behaviour. You feel guilty and terrible about yourself and resolve to never let this happen again. Then, later, you either do it all over again, or you stay locked in the rule system of your primary self and from that place of 'moral superiority' lay down judgment on others who behave as you did that one time. Some people go through many decades of life living from only one self and at some point, usually middle age, flip to an opposite which then becomes their primary self. It is far better - for both individuals, families and communities - to have access to both your sensible self and your wild self and to use them consciously so you have the choice and control, and can enjoy the energies and talents of each side.

Cleaning up our own backyards will make a difference

As individuals we need to 'clean up our own backyard' to make a difference on a larger scale. The more people who become aware of what they are identified with and separate from their identifications to embrace their opposites as well as their vulnerability, the more positive the effect will be on a larger scale. There is no need, nor is it even desirable, to get rid of your primary selves for they are such a significant part of who you are and have developed decades worth of strategies and skills for your survival, but you do need to honour those opposite selves, those disowned selves, and those which other people express as their primary selves. And this means developing an ego that can be aware of the totality of your being. An ego that can embrace opposite selves and which enables you to have choice in how you will act. An Aware Ego.

This is a dramatic shift for many people - most people likely to come into contact with the concepts outlined here would do so in a therapy situation. The problem is that most people do not seek therapy and so there needs to be education and discussion of the concept of selves constituting identity in the broader community. The concept and development of the Aware Ego in individual and cultural identity needs to be taken up by the wider community soon if we are all to share this world and participate in harmonious relationships with each other.

For help with your personal relationships, see my book The Perfect Relationship.

For further reading on the aware ego process, please visit my Amazon Bookstore.